I hate my job!
There's no other way to say that but THAT's not even why I'm writing this post.
Well clearly, a lot has changed with me since the lst time i posted on this blog. If not anything at all, at least i type faster. yayy me! I got a blackberry. I dont even know if thats a good thing now because i keep pressing the shift key before my numbers on my pc and im actually surprised that im getting symbols. If you noticed, "i", "dont", "im" "thats" do not appear appropriate because i expect that my pc would be sensible enough to put them appropriately. It is not, obviously.
But then, a lot really has happened.
Still, that's not why I'm writing this post. Maybe i'll talk about the changes in another post. Just not this one. Oh and..by the way, i'm a corps member now. Yea.. I graduated.
This night has been a night of nights. Made me see and indeed feel how you can strongly feel an emotion at one time and yet strongly feel the opposite in the very next one.
I watched "The pursuit of happyness' for the first time since 1980 when it came out and it depressed me. Totally.
I was just overwhelmed by this really strong emotion and I cried from deep within. I laughed the next moment. Then I cried again and I cried again until a part of me felt that I had lost someone. Emphasis on "felt". See, overtime, I have learnt that I am not my feelings and my feelings are not me. I may feel one thing but that doesn't mean that i should do t6hat thing or allow that thing...whatever it is to become my reality.
I live alone. This was solely my choice.
I didn't want the cares of having a roommate that may not be a good person to live with al the time. I actually had very good reasons for not opting to have one but they all seem elusive this night. My fingers can't quite type one out. But it's alright. I don't have one anyway.
Let me describe my house.
It's a spacious self-con. Room, sitting room, bathroom+toilet and kitchen.
I live in my room. the sitting room houses my fridge and my two travelling bags. Nothing more. No wonder I've been trying to get the echo out of the space for a month. I mean. I LIVE HERE!!!
I bet that would come back to me if i yelled it out in my sitting room like it's some sorta re-affirmation. A time-stamp.
It's lonely.
So I cried so hard that I screamed in my head and out loud that I WANT TO WIN!
I cower in the face of competitions. Whenever we watched Who wants to be a millionaire and at the end of it, those ridiculously stupidly cheap questions come up, i refuse to play. Not because I don't have airtime, no. Just because i thought I would not win. Those things that mtn and the rest would do and say send this to so-so number for 100bucks and stand a chance to win this and this..I have never read those messages twice.
I just don't bother.
Recently, a competition came up and I looked deep within myself, took a week to convince myself that i was going to do it and I did. The competition is still on...and I'm winning it.
When Will Smith was told that "I hope you'll wear a shirt tomorrow for your first day"...i may have paraphrased a little but it's the part of the movie when he got the job out of 19 other interns, I cried harder and confirmed to myself..."I WILL WIN".
The best part is that I believe it.
He said: "this part of my life is called happiness".
I deserve to be happy too.
Amidst tears, I picked up my bible and opened to where my book marker was. It was Isaiah 14. I read it. It spoke of how lucifer was fallen and how hell rejoiced or something like that. A footnote was for "lucifer" and it literally meant "Day star". I remembered that Day star is the name of a church but unsure of where I was going with the thought, I dropped it.
I stood up, now my tears had dried and I picked up the mirror, half expecting to see a huge smudge of the purple eyeshadow and black eyeliner I wore during the day on my cheeks. But I saw only the path of the free fallen tears. It had dried now. There was no messy discoloration on my face.
The eyeliner was waterproof.
P.s: I feel so much better letting this all out. I think I'm leaving this post unedited. I wrote it in-the-moment. I don't want to ruin that.
